it’s 1:46am, and my pulse is quick my mind is racing. I have insomnia. I often have insomnia.
My mind is racing, tumbling along out of control, exhausting itself with thinking thinking thinking, working out systems, working out cause and effect relationships. Thinking about all of the little things that need to be done.
I get thoughts and ideas in my head. Thoughts and ideas about the way the universe works. About the way reality functions. And art projects. Stories, images. All art is, really, is an illustrative way of explaining the things I see in my head.
And I NEED to explain them. I need to get these thoughts and ideas out of my head, out into physical reality in some presentable form. It’s not so much that I need other people to see… that I need other people to understand the things I see in my head… I mean, do need that. But more importantly, I desperately need to get this shit the fuck out of my noggin, because if it stays in my head, it just keeps going round and round and round and round, driving me fucking crazy.
ALL THE FUCKING THINGS
A month or so ago, I was chugging along just fine, posting on my various blogs, collecting a following of readers. And then I started working on this website… DUN DUN DUN…
Suddenly, all of my blogs got smushed up into one blog on here. Then I had to go through and untangle them from one another by organizing the categories. And then just all of the massive amounts of work that go into making a blog. MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF WORK. So many rabbit holes. Holey moley. I suddenly found myself lost in a purgatory of endless shopping for plugins. This all turned my brain-world topsy-turvey.
Along with this new maze of web development I suddenly plunged myself into, was the fact that all of my writing time was now devoted to website building time. I pretty much stopped writing.
I’m realizing now, that I desperately need to write in order to keep myself sane and healthy. I need to write a lot.
And it’s horrible, not being able to sleep. I feel very visceral cognitive and neurological impacts from sleep deprivation. My brain feels encrusted with all of the waste materials that are not being washed out and eliminated because I am not asleep. My brain is literally swimming in its own shit.
I need to sleep to clean all that stuff out. But my brain is stuck in feedback loops, like a dog gnawing on a bone. It’s 2:40 now. My pulse is still elevated, Though my brain is starting to feel like it might be able to fall asleep.
One challenge with taking such a hiatus in writing is that ideas begin to pile up into a backlog of things I need to write down… and then each time I sit down to potentially write something I am stuck is decision constipation, acute anxiety at having to choose one among the myriad ideas clamboring in my head, desperate to get out, and I hardly know where to begin.
So I begin here. With insomnia.
Having insomnia usually means that I need to do some writing. This post completed, I think maybe I can sleep now.
Pheonix Chicken has a sexy new website for to show to All The Things! Check it out and follow them over there at pheonixchicken.org