***warning: this post talks about poop***
So that person… that person who was driving me crazy. They really were driving me crazy. Threw me into tailspins of neurotic anxiety. And this all had/has a very real, physical impact on my body. Elevated heart rate, constant dumping of stress hormones on my nervous system, insomnia… I got seriously sick. Manifested in a Multiple Sclerosis episode. The whole right hand side of my body is numb and tingly. I’m also hella constipated. Can barely poop. Have nasty smelling farts.
I got wrapped-up in feeling attacked. Wrapped-up in feeling like a victim. Wrapped-up in thinking that this person is an irresponsible and reckless psychic sender, thoughtlessly spewing their own toxic insecurities all over the place. And that might actually be true, but thinking about that… obsessing and fantasizing about a big confrontation where I pin the person down and MAKE THEM SEE… that doesn’t do me any good.
I’d been giving this silly person way too much power over me. Person doesn’t want power over me. Well, they probably do want power and validation, but they don’t want the kind of power I was giving them. So… here I was, all wrapped-up in gigantic bouts of neurotic anxiety. Getting physically ill. And then it just sort of, broke. I realized how sick I was, realized how I was giving away my power, realized how I was seeking validation outside of my self.
There was a time, a few weeks ago, when I felt GREAT. Better than I had ever felt in my entire life. Bursting with energy. Good, clean energy. Sleeping well. Emotionally stable (well, maybe a little manic). Productive. Then I broke my foot. And this flood of insecurities came gushing forth. And there was that person… the one whose attention I wanted… the one I longed to creatively collaborate with. And the more I got lost in my insecurities, the less they wanted to give me attention. In retrospect, this actually seems pretty reasonable on their part.
Back to my constipation and smelly farts. Holding on to toxic energy. I watched this video last night, and it helped me put a lot things in perspective…
You don’t have to watch the whole video. You’ll get the gist in the first 5min or so.
Dude, visualizations are awesome. I find them VERY EFFECTIVE. Went to sleep early last night dreaming of clean light purging and clearing out toxic energy. And I woke up this morning feeling GREAT. Probably it’s just because I slept well, but that’s huge. The painful sludgy tingle that I get around my eyes and forehead when I don’t sleep well is gone (the sludgy tingle is also a harbinger of an MS episode). I woke up this morning thinking, “I want that time back, that time when I would wake up bursting with good, clean energy, that time when my body was free of pain and my head felt clear.” I woke up thinking that, and then discovered that I pretty much had it.
But I haven’t pooped yet. Still super constipated. Which is really uncomfortable. You feel heavy. You get full before you’ve eaten enough food. You just feel slow and “backed-up”. Constipation sucks. Maybe I needda get some psyllium husk… One thing at a time. Physical reality takes time to catch up to spiritual/psychological reality. In the meantime, my body needs some help purging. I wish I could afford a colonic. But tea and salad greens are more gentle. And LOTS OF WATER.