I am learning, over and over again, to not multi-task. One thing at a time. Allowing myself to meander. I am also re-learning, over and over again, to be present in my physical reality. How to stay with the flow, how to understand that my body is a finely tuned spiritual, emotional, psychic antenna. Feel the energy and the pathways and possibilities, not get lost with all of the To Do Lists in my head, not impose my idea of what needs to happen on top of what is present.
So, I’m also having a hard time being, um, reliable? I am living moment to moment, and I’d rather show up on your doorstep than “make plans to hang out”. Even though I’m back in my home, I am still travelling. Seattle is, undeniably, no longer my home. There is a distinct freedom and a specific kind of healing to stripping myself down to core, over and over again, shedding the ill-fitting skins of other people’s “shoulds”. There is also a bone-weary tiredness, a yearning to nest somewhere. A yearning to settle and start building the complex and intricate ecosystem around myself that I see in my dreams. To build the nourishing environment that I know I need in order to be truly, fully healthy.
But in the process of shedding so many skins, I have also become more vulnerable, more open, more sensitive, more raw. And I’ve grown thorns, claws and talons. I’ve become both more careful about who I trust and share myself with and intolerant of hiding myself in fear of other people’s judgements. I am re-wilding. My teachers are the patches of incorrigible invasive weeds and pests that take over scarred and traumatized lands, the healing bandages, the maggots in a festering wound that eat away the dead flesh so that the body may regenerate.
I’m learning to take less responsibility for other people’s emotions. I’m learning to worry less about pissing people off. Over and over again, so many layers of allowing. Allowing other people to have their own journey, their own experience, their own truth. Learning to expand empathy and discard sympathy.
So if I am flaky and have a hard time folowing-through with plans, feel free to give a swift nudge in the rib and say, “FOCUS”, or just say “nope, not gonna bother.” That’s all fine. Do what you want!
I’m not really sorry, but I am working on it. Working on allowing myself to root.