Talking to a friend recently about dating around in a small-town community where most of the people have known each other since high school, he mentioned the term “eskimo brother”.
Eskimo Brother – urbandictionary.com
When two males acknowledge having been intimate with the same female and remain on good terms, the men are now bonded by having shared the same igloo at one time or another. This can lead to perks by making the information known to other males who you can network with.
Male 1: “Yea man, I got us a hook up at the show tonight, we don’t have to pay cover”
Male 2: “Sweet, how’d you score that?”
Male 1: “Me and the door guy are eskimo brothers, remember that blonde girl from last weekend?”
Male 2: ” props
Now, one could interpret this concept as being fundamentally demeaning towards women. One could. And I’m sure that there is a corresponding reality to that interpretation, involving patriarchal dude-bros expressing some sentiment like, “you fucked that bitch? yeah, I fucked that bitch…” and then they fistbump and talk about what a whore she is.
On the other hand, I am delighted about the potentially sex-positive spin on this idea. One, it undermines male ownership of women through sex/romantic relationships. The woman is her own autonomous person, and the men that she has slept with share a common bond, a kinship. She has linked them together.
Now lemme just say, that this term has nothing to do with actual Eskimos. I’ll go ahead and assert that the closest this term could possibly come to Inuit culture is a racist colonist historian, hanging out a village in the North, making judgements and misinterpretations about a culture that he don’t actually understand.
So I need a new word for this idea. [unless this post/idea somehow goes viral, and a consensus majority of Inuit people stand up and say, “No actually, we’re totally ok with the term “Eskimo Brothers” being used that way, I’m gonna say it’s off limits for me] It’s hard though, how do I find a suitable replacement phrase?
A suitable replacement… hmmm. Sex Siblings? Fuck Family? Fuck Tribe? Oh dear. It seems something more euphamistic may be in order. Romance Tribe? Anyways, making new words is hard. For now, I may just settle for “Sibs”.
Back to the idea itself, I want to liberate this idea from one-side gender dichotomy. What about two women who have slept with the same dude? I am also an example of that.
So… if you’re a relatively normal unmarried person in most ‘westernized’ parts of the world and you’re under the age of 40, presumably you are on the dating scene. You have, quite likely, been dating in a serially monogamous style, searching for The One. Or you’re equally normal, and you enjoy sex and fucking around. Either way, you’ve had a multiplicity of sexual partners through out your adult life.
if we are centred in ourselves, and feeing our feelings, and looking for people to have sex with whose company we actually enjoy… well, I don’t know about you, but when I’ve got my shit together, the people I’m sexually attracted to are people that I actually feel a connection with. An energetic pull that goes above and beyond logic. Although usually the logic boils down to “this person has is awesome at life, and I want to get all up in that…” Or if it’s more physical, “this person seems to possess exceptional competence at the art of touching and non-verbal communication, and I want to get all up in that.” Whether it’s about short-term fun and entertainment, or searching for a long-term bond, if I’m on top of my game, there will be a common thread of awesomeness running through the people whom I have sex with. Generally speaking, if an assortment of people I have had sex with were somehow randomly stuck in a room together, they’d generally be ok with each other. Ideally, they’d actually be excited about being friends with each other, due to their mutual awesomeness.
Cue this song: “All His Exes” by Sylvie Lewis. I don’t think I’ve been on top of my game often enough for that common thread to be particularly cohesive in my dating life… but it is goal I work towards.
Right here I’d like to lay down an important PSA: “One must clarify and differentiate sexual attraction that arises as a result of cultural and media programming from sexual attraction that arises through a real bond of mutual intellectual or spiritual compatibility. The first form of desire is rarely based on the reality of who each individual person is; it is shallow, based on images, and custom. The second form however, is based on the reality of who each person is, the work that they pursue in the world, their lived experiences, their creative expression, their way of being.” For the rest of the article, when I say “sexual attraction”, assume that I’m talking about the latter form.
Ok so the Sibs! I love this concept. It helps to let go of attachment to relationships that didn’t work out…
Recent ex says, “Oh yeah, LadyFace and I started dating.”
Me, making sadface, “Oh shoot, does that mean I don’t get to cuddle with you anymore?”
Him, “Yeeaaaaah, pretty much.”
Me, still feeling sadface, “Well, I guess I’ll have to go deal with this sadface on my own. But LadyFace is totally awesome, and I’m super happy for you.”
Him, “Thank you. It feels really good so far. I mean, it’s early, but we already know all the things about each other, so I don’t expect any surprises.”
Me, [harbors secret fantasy of someday getting to cuddle with both of them at the same time – see previous posts about my love of non-sexual cuddling]
Aaanyways, later, as I was dealing with the sadness of getting further friendzoneded, I found consolation in the thought that I am totally Sibs with the lady he’s now dating. And that made me feel warm and fuzzy.
And that is how I would like to conduct my sex-life from here-out – as a delightful string of heart connections, networking me into a greater network of awesomeness. And even if, someday I do find a LifeMate of some sort, and we decide that we’re only going to have sex with each other, I don’t expect I’ll stop feeling those heart connections with select awesome people I meet. But I’ll be able to recognize them and pursue those friendships warmly, knowing that the those feelings are secret insider information whispering in my ear, “this person is awesome. They are worthy of attention.”
(a slangification of “siblings”)
When two people acknowledge having been intimate with the same person and remain on good terms, the two people are now bonded by having shared heart connection with the same other person at one time or another. This can lead to deepening community bonds, greater social networking, support and cooperation.
“Awwwe, you two are such good friends. How did you meet?”
“Oh, we had dated the same person a while back, and met at parties.”
“Oh wow, weren’t you really jealous of each other?” “I don’t understand the question. The person we dated is awesome, and is in the habit of only dating awesome people. Seems like a pretty solid thread to base a friendship on.”